Go Cray

I think I am going cray, not sure. At the same time, in love and testing the waters with things here and there. Testing to see if goes where I want it to go, but seriously it never does. Maybe within time, but who am I kidding. In the meantime, I just want to see how I develop in the coming months, I want tattoos, I want to create the me that has been hiding within me, yet at the same time has not been unleashed for whatever reason. Those reasons, okay are trying to create an image of what people want me to be, or who I think I want them to think of me as. I am tired of that, I am tired of just creating that image. It is exhausting, I am exhausting myself out at the same time. If I just be me, then I think everything will and should come into place. Riiiight? In any case, things have come into place for certain reasons. All I can think of is, people might like it and people will just have to like it.

Fast forward to September 24, 2020: The crazy part is you find your soulmate, the only problem is they are straight, yet you have known this person for 15 years – potentially more. It is unconditional, it is comforting and at the same time you know each other on a deeper level. The only thing is it just won’t work, like at all. Yet, at the same time things have transpired and maybe not at this very instance it may happen, but in the near future it will. At that time, what will kill me the most is I might have moved on and it will be too late. I guess, at that time, I will have to figure out if I want to go with what my heart felt years earlier or do I do select and choose with my new found man. I think that is the most craziest part of life and I am sure that will be thrown at me at the most inconvenient time. I just hope at that time, I make the correct choice. I hope at that time, he has grown and match me equally. If not, it just may not even happen to begin with. At the moment, I am broken and I still think of him, I care about him and the worst part is I just wish he got over his pride. I am trying to move on and its obvious that I can’t, at this point I have come to admit the best of times are behind us and the bond that was there may have burnt out.

In Beautiful Peace

I want to write in beautiful peace, again-

I want to write out the missing chapters of my life,

I want to write out the current and the goings,

I want to write out about me- so foreign, lost and feelings of falling,

I want to write again to be critical, critical of things around me,

I have lost this about me.

I want to draw in beautiful peace, again-

I want to draw out my visions,

I want to draw my inner feelings,

I want to draw all that is within me- so foreign, lost and not knowing,

I want to draw again to craft up and hone in on my creative juices,

I have miss this about me.

I have lost this about me.

Simply- beautifully put…

I miss you and everything we are, together we were simplicity.

In Beautiful Peace

xoxo

29, 30 and can we stop

Well, Anyways.

A lot of things have happened, can’t say it all in one blog, but one thing is for sure life is a crazy thing. I am simply taking one day at a time, constantly keeping my mind busy and keeping myself happy.

really, at 29 i am venturing out to do other things in my life. i want to live wild and free, live a life less congested and relax a bit. I see too many things lately and it does not appeal to me the way people live their own lives. I mean, relax live a little.

Social media is way too over-rated and blogging. Well, it may be something of ancient history, but I am going to find a way to make it happen and make it something more unique for me.

Anyways, that is it for now. All you need to know is that i am thinking a new and better chapter is coming forth in my life. something a little bit daring and a bit more adventurous that gets me away from my own comfort zone.I just hope that everything falls into place sooner rather than later…

 

Conversations in A Cafe… I run, run, run

And I Run

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I’ve got my laces,

I’ve got my shoes, please hold ’em in place,

as my pace goes,

And I run, run, run, run, run
And I run, run, run, run, run

Here I go, my years of sorrow,

Here I go, feeling less hollow,

wondering what life will be like tomorrow,

And I run, run, run, run, run
And I run, run, run, run, run

Here I am, falling and rising,

fighting and fighting,

and I rise and rise again,

with new lows and highs

And I run, run, run, run, run
And I run, run, run, run, run

Here I am, the beach is my greatest fan,

my shoes have gone mad,

weathering the waters and the sand

or have I gone mad?

And I run, run, run, run, run
And I run, run, run, run, run

Here I go, and I run, run, run, run, run

wondering if life tomorrow

will run.

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Gone Already

I’ve waited and waited, like a dead man walking. I finally found the strength to put into words how I have felt over the course of a year. It will read and feel like to me like a song played by the piano. This song has been playing in the background for so long that it finally plays louder and louder for me to finally hear it. Finally, I know what I’ve been waiting to put down and know what this sounds like 🙂

It finally has found its strength, its core and its own personality to finally play effortlessly onto this wordpress blog.

Caught up in love- I thought he was the one to pull me away from every pain that was left before by others. I dedicated my life to him, was a real life ride-or-die boyfriend, visited him and supported him through his toughest times. I was there to be with him and was pouring all I had into this relationship. It was a mistake that I made and my obligation to stay was no longer. I knew from the very onset, that this was unhealthy, I stayed and stayed hoping for something good to come out of this. I was going through the motions trying to pull him together and nothing that I did helped. He was the epiphany of someone who shoots you at the scene of a crime taking everything away, perhaps a criminal. Simply put, there is no words to describe the epitome of his character in the Oxford English Dictionary.

One thing that I did take away from this hurt, is that I am glad that I know what love is:

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

New International Version (NIV)

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

I am grateful that I have been shown before what love was before this supposed love. In the end, my final thought was this relationship was more of an acquaintanceship rather than a relationship. Sadly, I can’t even call him my ex, nor a friend rather a mere acquaintanceship that failed to be even that of a friendship.

So I leave with this thought, I’m finally out of my shell and ready to shine like I did once upon a time.

Joel Pablo

The Greatest Ex Ever….

I didn’t want to believe it. I never thought it could happen to me. I had my blinders on and then I met  I met him lost him and now he will simply be the Greatest Ex Ever. It was romantic, it was passionate, it was my heart and it was the best part of my life that will simply be memorable. I can’t believe I lost him and knowing that pretty much makes sad. Now how do I live without the one I truly loved in love and life this was someone I truly gravitated to due to the magical moments he gave me. Yes, I know its all my fault. I would be lying if I said you didn’t cross my mind. I love you. N I just couldn’t see tomorrow. N baby i cared for you and I didn’t see us through. now in my heart you will always be The Greatest Ex Ever: J.E.

Joel Pablo

9/11 U.S. Marine

I am September 11th,

driven by the force that has given me the mean face, mean spirit and mean self that is me,

adopted from generations of masculine traits, assembled in a militia known for brute brutality,

fermented within me by family attitudes combined into one single person that is me,

released from a score of pain that tormented me, haunted me and molded me into an aura of immortality,

finalized into a product that became my serial number that I would come to know as me,

and it so became to be that i was formally minted as a United States Marine,

Clean-cut and masculine to the tee,

Minted into a U.S. Marine with brute brutality and history,

firmly cemented, strict and structured,

fearless and unafraid to tackle my worst enemies,

adorned by plenty of people that loved liberty

but what became to be was that of my country ’tis of thee

protect it from all those evils overseas

all the while protecting those that I love dear to me.

Can’t you see this is what I became to be,

both protector and lover,

this is what I am meant to be,

that is me,

a United States Marine.

 

 

 

Dreamy

Life is a dream. My dream is this life. What does this all mean? I simply can’t answer this question as easily as I would like though I would like to think that I can in my own extreme ways. Only my life can take me there and only my dream can take me there waiting simply to get close to what I am envisioning and dreaming of. I’ve got  to do what I got to do to keep this dream from being as real as I can get it. My only problem is getting it to that point. Am I unfocused? Am I lost? Am I simply just a dreamy person. Sigh, whatever it is one thing is for sure my dreams and realities are simply so bittersweet. On another note… I’m in love (totally changed the subject)….

Joel

Misunderstood

Maybe it was the way I grew up. Maybe it was the way I treated. Maybe it was how I observed others treat me so badly… maybe just maybe. Some things in my past I can’t simply shake as easily as I would want them to. I have come to pass on a difficult time within my life, however there are certain things that trigger me to be emotionally down. No… no… no… I am not talking about alcohol, but the way I am treated triggers the underlying symptoms that have haunted me throughout. Maybe I would want to be somebody else or just simply release these manic symptoms. Sigh… well, I guess I can’t… so life sucks in that way. & I am not saying in no way that these symptoms can get me into a deep depression, but sometimes I don’t think people understand or know how easily it is to hurt me due to my past or the family that has hurt me. Yeah, I am an emotional blogger… well so what… I guess this is my way to express my feelings when no one can understand me other than me…

Other than that let me talk about an awesome individual… His name is Mark. I’ve gotten to know this individual for over a month. There is something about him that makes me coming back for more… ok, ok… its his smile that brings so much warmth in my heart, his way of thinking a positive light and simply wanted to get the most out of life that leads me to gravitate towards him more and more. He is that something that I’ve been missing in life the fun, the happiness and the fist-full of glitter thrown in the air that makes my world better. When my days are down, when my days are full of blackness- he comes to the rescue erasing all that bothers me. I mean, that is an awesome individual… isn’t it??? Sometimes I wonder where he has been my whole entire life when I needed this stranger to come inside to make me happy on the inside earlier in my teenage life. Whatever the reason for not meeting him earlier- its better late than never. & I know I am going to do my best to keep this guy happy and get through whatever hurdles life may throw at us. Yeah, I can say it… I love him. I really love him… I mean, even if I can’t be with him in that way I would rather much keep him in my life as a friend. Even though he is away and can’t see me due to certain circumstances I know I can look back in my life and say – boy, wasn’t he great 🙂

anyways,

even though I am misunderstood by others with him (Mark) I am beginning to enjoy life as he has taken me to a better place… N all I can say, MAN that place is sweet…

Joel G. Pablo

07/30/12

A Part of Me….

I’ve got to say love and life simply doesn’t work out the way it should. Do I expect too much? Is he insecure? Do I want to finish what they call “fate” earlier in life and settle down? Is he scared of the possibility of love and life? Am I scared of another lifestyle that isn’t what I am accustomed to? Does he not want me? Does he fear that I may forget about him? Whatever it is, one thing that I have realized from my relationship with Mark J. Bustos is that it is unique, we both wanted the same things and we both wanted to have fun. I may have fallen hard for this guy and all I wanted from him was to show me soome kind of love physical or even vocally would have been nice. I needed a reassurance that ensured that our love was strong. What did he seek? He wanted me to be happy as strangely as that sounds to me in the company of his own friends. What I really wanted was to get to know him a little bit better instead I felt as though he pushed me away. Was it my duty to pull him in? I don’t even know, maybe I was suppose to in reality. However, one thing is for sure I loved this guy and saw myself possibly with him for the rest of my life as crazy as that sounds. I do believe so much got in the way of our love that it was hard for us to begin what could have been one of the most romantic relationships I have ever had. yes, that is strange right? anyways, I guess that was my lost or maybe his. Don’t get me wrong I am hurt, because in all honesty I really want to know what he feels and I have yet to even know what he does feel. Well, what am I suppose to do now? Move on and find another? To be honest with you its going to be hard because that is how my life is. I guess what I am getting to is we both failed to understand one another the way it should have been in the beginning. If I could change anything it would be that…. And if you asked me to take him back I would say yes as long as we understood each other…. I love this guy and miss him dearly 😦